Let’s be real here, how many self help books have you read already? And how much did that help you? The self help section of the library (youtube, podcast…) is filled with excellent copywriting and shallow tips that promise gold and beyond, if you just follow the principles…
Don’t get me wrong, I love self help books, and a few of them are actually brilliant (although definitely overused in social media) – but they often fall short when it comes to real life application. Here are instead 5 realistic (and most necessary) mindset shifts you need to make in order to start healing from burnout/depression.
As I shared in my last post, I recently hit the burnout threshold to where my body completely shut down for months. It’s not the first time I reach burnout though, and if you’re reading this, chances are it’s not your first rodeo either. Being ambitious, type-A, whatever you want to call it, has it’s drawbacks. The worst part about it though, at least for me, is that it’s personality traits that I actually aspire to have. Like, my best assets are also the ones pulling me under ground! Relatable?
We can’t let this rinse-and-repeat cycle continue any longer though. On one hand we have the perfectionistic, over-planner who always deliver our best both at work and at home. On the other hand, it’s those exact traits that are tipping the boat – over and over again. We simply don’t get enough rest to be able to keep up the pace!
If you’re not ready to accept that change need to happen, then go along and continue on with your style of living, no problem!
IF, however, you’re ready to find your inner peace and want to reach that dream goal of actually enjoying life – come along on the journey and let’s create some magic together! That kind of un-cool, annoying, magic that you don’treallywanttodobutknowhastobedone ✨
These are the exact mindset shifts I’ve had to make in order to accept my collapse and start to truly recover:
1. Ditch the to do-list
(Or at least highly simplify it.)
Let’s get right into the meat of it right away. If reading this heading makes you feel nauseous, this is for you.
And yeah, I know, you need to do this and that because who else will do it if you don’t? And it needs to get done! Don’t fret, my love. First off, let’s just touch on the point of where you’re at right now:
- Laying in bed and can’t force yourself to move? Yep, definitely cut out the entire task list. The whole thing. Hopefully you have somebody that can help you with your survival, and if you’re at a point where you can manage your grocery shopping and the most basic tasks – freezer meals is the shit! Don’t force yourself to keep up with an imaginative ideal right now. It’s all about survival, not being productive or healthy or anything else that triggers the highly critical perfectionist you have living (rent-free) inside of you.
- Feeling fatigue but still manages to take care of life and work? I get it, everybody will not be in a position to just opt out of life for a while. This is the category where most people will fall into, so you’re in good company! Even though you’re actually succeeding in continuing fighting for your regular life, you’re in a constant battle with stress that’s eating away at your body and mind day by day. It’ll be harder for you to accept releasing the pressure off the gas since you actually can do it, but it’s imperative that you listen to me! Yes, there’s a big chance of you developing a variety of different ailments and limitations, you already know that. What you can know for sure, however, is that as long as you’re continuing on this path your missing out on your life! You won’t get to experience bliss and true happiness. And for what? You only need to deal with the most critical things every day, and the rest is a bonus but definitely not a must.
Exercise
Take a few minutes to sit down with a piece of paper (handwriting seem to be preferrable according to science, but your screen will of course work too) and write a list of eeeverything you believe you ought to do. Just continue writing until your mind starts to become more and more empty. When you feel like your done, look at your list and circle everything that you actually need to do yourself. Ask yourself a simple yes/no question for each item on the list: Do I need to do this task myself? Do I need to do it at all? If it’s a no, you don’t circle it.
Extra: For those of you who can’t let go that easily (hi there!), circle the critical must-do tasks as explained above, and in some other way also mark the tasks that you feel are important but not critical.
EXAMPLE:
– Make dinner (no, husband can fix)
– Paint the wall (no, not really important)
– Take kids to school (yes, there’s no other option)
– Take a walk (makes me feel good, but not critical)
– Clean (no, family can do this too)
– Brush teeth (yes)
– etc …
2. Do it bad
= Take a break from perfectionism.
You already know this, don’t you? You can’t expect to just be able to change this just becuase you decided to. This is something that requires practice, and we all have different starting points. Before we go any further – I promise you, that you’ll not become lazy or messy just because you step back from overdoing exactly everything (and then feeling bad anyways because it didn’t turn out as good as you wanted it to).
So how do we practice the skill of good enough? Start small, just like with everything else. Yes, it’s boring, but you’ll need it. Do you really need to fold your underwear? What if you just dumped it all in the drawer and appreciate how much faster that was. Visitors coming over? Drop by the store and buy some cookies, you don’t need to make it yourself! But what about that email that you’ve been meticulously rewriting and still haven’t sent? Just send it and feel the fear grabbing you by the neck! Be careful to also notice how quickly that fear also fades away after you’ve pressed “Send”.
3. Stop reading/listening to self help stuff
- It’s just reminding you of everything that you think you’re not good enough at.
- You don’t need more habits to add, more goals to keep track of, or more ideals to strive for. You need rest.
- You already know everything you need to know! It’s time to start believing yourself. To start listening to what your body’s telling (or screaming at?) you.
Give it at least a year, and then you can think about if you want to add this back into your life or not. What I’ve found for myself (I realized that I needed to take a break about 1,5 years ago) is that after a while these promising books seem less and less appealing. Once in a while I get a recommendation on a book that sounds really interesting, so I look up the summary and key points of it and then I’m done. I’m still not in the position to take action on new things though, which is an important point to make. Any interesting information I gather gets to passively stick around if it wants to, and if I feel the need for that advice someday in the future I trust that I’ll then remember that piece of information, the book, or maybe just remember that we have AI now that can look it up for me.
4. Take help from others
Even when you don’t think you need it.
This has been a hard one for me, and one that I still practice consciously and struggle with. Sometimes I need help to finish making my breakfast, or to pick up my water bottle when I’m super thirsty, because my dopamine crashed and don’t want to increase to live-able levels again. Those times I don’t ask for help, I probably can’t even. Taking a heavy load of laundry down the stairs though, or buying groceries because I know I can’t deal with social interaction today – those are the things that I need to surrender to asking the question, and probably you too. In the moment, it seems like such a simple task that anyone “should” be able to do, why would I sink so low as to ask for help with that? Because you know what? You need it right now! You need it, and your family/friends would love to help you recover and not over-exert yourself – even when it comes to the seemingly smaller stuff.
Once again, this is another item on the list that requires practice. Start by trying with tasks that you know you’ll get a yes for, and then increase your asking-discomfort-level slowly. It does get easier, but it’ll probably never feel effortless, and that’s okay. Remember, asking for help doesn’t mean that you’re weak – it shows that you prioritize your health and recovery over you-made social rules.
5. You were right all along – trust your gut
You’ve felt it for a while now, haven’t you? That something isn’t right. That something needs to change. You might even know exactly what it is, but accepting what needs to get done is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Letting go of a toxic person, an identity, or an environment, will always be tough. When you’re done, you’ll feel the biggest relief and tons lighter. But before that moment comes, and you just dare to think the thought that maybe releasing them is the way to go, that maybe they aren’t healthy for you – that just makes the stomach twirl in disgust.
I have nothing else to say here. Let it sink in, and take your time ♥️
Bonus: Let go of the guilt
If you’ve gotten this far in the post, I might as well hit you with another one of those life lessons one just cannot force into existance. I can write you endless of lists of “practical ways to…“, but in reality the only thing that’ll work is experimenting and getting older while keeping a growth mindset. What works for one person won’t work for the next. The same is true for letting go of the guilt you feel when you fail live up to be the person you idealize (unrealistic expectations, we call this).
- A part of it will come from accepting your situation as we’ve already talked about.
- Another part will come from accepting who you are. Realizing that your fantasy self is nothing but just that, a fantasy that’s putting pressure on you to be someone you’re not.
- The last part, I believe, will come from learning to live in the moment. Cliché, I know, but for a good reason. You’re not your past self, and you’re equally not your idea of a future self. You can only be who you are right now, and the only thing you should ever strive for, is for this version of you to represent your authentic self. Living as an expression of your soul, within the confines of your physical body. Yes, you can change, and you will, as will we all, but right now you can only be here.
How would you approach a friend that felt guilt over not living up to unrealistic standards?
One final note. . .
The mindset shifts covered in this post are not tips – they’re critical components for your recovery. HOWEVER, don’t feed your hustle mindset by trying to do them in order to recover, that’s the perfectionistic ego talking. The only way to actually reach a state of recovery is to realize that you do it becuase you’re worth it! It’s not in order to be more creative, more productive, a better mom, a better friend… It’s not “in order to” anything at all. If you manage to accept the reality of maybe not getting any “better” at all, and still be happy about that, then you’ll find that all of the above mindset shifts will happen automatically.
Your fate is not up to you to decide on, but your current state and view on life is something you’re the boss over.
And remember. You won’t become lazy just because you take a break! You won’t become lazy just because you “give in” to your fatigue and actually rest (without even thinking about what needs to get done). It’s not you, trust me.
